My life goes has been going by in slow motion. Tonight, something snapped.
I asked you into my heart and answer you did, but I pray to you now for guidance. Take me to a community, to people, to places, to where I can glorify you in All that I do. I pray that you give me the courage to Do Something with This (crazy, overwhelming and awe inspring) Love that is YOURS and from You Alone. This Love I’m tasting is allowing me to see …. to feel in ways my heart was too small to do on its own. To be broken and to be fulfilled by something so real and genuine that my unworthiness is more noticeable than ever…
Lord, This is All for You. Who did I think I was to try and do this and that, to carry burdens that you already bore for me?
I come before you tonight with my commitment issues, my indecision, my once weary heart and my fear; they constantly consume me and make me jaded and weak. But tonight I pray that you take hold, that you find strength where I am weak. That you help me to follow through and live out what I’m learning and experiencing, to not let it stop here and also to give me wisdom that I clearly do not have. Tonight, I lift this prayer up to you because there is none like you Lord Jesus.
Humbled and Yours,
We carry a mask…
When God calls to Adam in the garden of eden, Adam replies
"I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked: so I hid" Genesis 3
Just like Adam hid, I think we hide. We think that we can act like God doesn’t know what we’re doing or actually thinking.
For the longest time I didn’t have the courage to be honest with Him about all of who I am. Afraid to be honest about exactly where I was with Him, I felt like growing up in a Christian household, being active in church my whole life held me to a certain standard that I was expected to uphold; that I had to project myself a certain way to not only God but to myself and my peers. In other words, I had on a mask when it came to who I was in front of Him.
But the problem is, God can’t minister to your mask; he cannot do work in you when you aren’t being honest yourself, your peers and most importantly Him. Sin broke Adam and Eve’s relationship with God, just as it has broken ours. But Jesus Christ opens up the way for us to renew our fellowship with him. He Longs to be with us. He actively offers us renewal, re-education and transformation through him but our own pride gets in the way.
So..take it off.
Too bad it isn’t that easy right?
God isn’t about behavior modification. He is about Soul Transformation.
Multi-masking is hard. It’s hard to be somebody you’re not supposed to be. The moment people start hiding, the peace of God goes out the door. People are tired. But it’s not fatigue.. it’s an exhaustion that reaches deep into the soul and if we let Him, he can take that away and fill it with something so long-lasting. Only when we are in the real can you see God really move in us and ask him to move in others around us.
You can fake it only for so long. Until you yourself become dissatisfied. I looked around thinking “This isn’t it. I KNOW A LOT of God but I want to KNOW HIM more.
God wants the real you. And who was I to think for a second that I could fool him?
Putting Him first. It’s the easiest thing to do and the hardest thing to do.
What He really wants is my heart, not my decisions … for me to want Him so much that the other stuff becomes secondary. And for me to actively want that every day. It’s not passive. It’s not coasting. But it’s also not drudgery. We love Him. And so we Follow.
It takes intentional thought and prayer … but the floodgates open up and the hunger for Him and His Word grows more and more. Give Him a blank check with your life, and ask Him what He’d like to do with it and you’ll find He’s eager to take you up on it … and show you more of Himself. Read His Word, the Bible. Talk to Him daily and ask Him how He wants you to spend your days and your relationships, how you can bring Him the most glory, how we can enjoy Him today and how we can tell others about Him and how much He means to us. It becomes a daily conversation, a journey with Him rather than a tally of major and minor decisions.
It takes discipline, and at the same time it’s incredibly freeing.
I am making a commitment to Him. To do these things. To walk with Him. All of me. I can feel him renewing my soul whether I am feeling weak, prideful, vulnerable or arrogant. To hold onto the mask was so selfish.
This is my new years step to Following Jesus.
Just some other notable, random things.
-Something I appreciate so much nowadays is when a person I come across is engaging. It’s kind of hard to find(?) and so refreshing.
-“Still waters run Deep.” - my cousin said to me on a walk up the ave last fall…. I like.
-The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Good intentions aren’t enough. Whether it be with relationships, with acts of difference….etc. It’s always important how you project yourself to others, how others perceive you… regardless of whether you’re “straight with God” or “straight with the person directly involved”. Something I’ve been learning the hard way but definitely a noteworthy “AH-HA!” moment of 2012.
I read in my book for a class last quarter, (sorry if this makes no sense out of context)
"Having set myself up as a good person with good intentions i can feel disapproval or even compassion for all those bad, flawed or sick people who supposedly make trouble happen all by themselves in spite of people like me. And i can sympathize with people who suffer as a result. But the issue of just where I am in all of this drops of sight. Apparently I’m on the outside looking in. But the truth is that my silence, my inaction, and especially my passive acceptance of everyday privilege that goes along with group membership are all it takes to make me just as much a part of the problem as any member of the Klan." - Power Privilege and Difference by Allen Johnson
-Starting Insanity (workout regimin). Will probably die. OH WHALE! Least I’ll die with some equally crazy friends of mine.
-Excited to do some out-of-the-classroom learning.
-I really like the stores Paper Source and Anthropologie. Knick Knacks all around!
-Pixar short films… Iloveyousomuch. The Paperman score is now out on itunes and is awesome!! If you listen… listen to the END. Tis all sorts of epic for about 30 seconds.
-Today, I really want to go fishing. Nobody fishes in Seattle. I miss it. I think it’s because I had to dissect a worm in my biology lab this week…. and fish like worms…. and now this is weird…. so let’s move on.
-Haven’t posted in so long. But I feel like posting somewhere other than the privacy of my journal will keep me accountable. Not like anyone reads or uses tumblr anymore but… hahahaha oh well~
Not the aching, deep seated type…. but a comforting kind.
There’s a woman sitting across from me with a messy bun piled on her head and a necklace made of glass that reminds me of the LOTR-esque one I received last year from my parents. She seems completely unperturbed by the noise around us… here I am with headphones playing much too loudly, feeling as if ADD has been chasing me all day.
Anyhow, here’s a quote I enjoyed
“As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren’t any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true. And, so it was, a wristwatch saved Harold Crick.”- Stranger Than Fiction
Some (recent) Events worth mentioning:
-Spring Break in Spokane/Cali was amazing. No schedule. Just the best friend, a car and nothing but time :) Conquered every roller coaster at six flags.
-Roadtrip to Portland: Something everyone must do- roll down the windows and sing along to disney and throwback songs for 3 hours straight. B2M, anyone?
-Daffodils: Have the sweetest scent. I’m a big fan. There’s a vase sitting next to me. Today, they’re my favorite flower.
-Dreams are getting increasingly memorable these days. Last night I was on a boat; looking out the side of I felt like I was in an Ivan Alvazovsky painting… and I really am not that fond of his work. Why couldn’t it be Thomas Kinkade.
-Spent an afternoon in Northgate and after missing 2 busses, ended up coming home with 4 new books that I will probably not ever get through. I think for 2 of them I just liked the cover art too much to put them back.
-After attempting to teach my mother how to work an Iphone.. I think I can fully understand the breadth of the generation gap. She.Took.Notes.
-I have this huge issue where i break EVERYTHING around me. It’s really bad. Please someone tell me how I can remedy this. And nobody buy me nice things -____-‘
-I like this. Talk about a longing stare.
-New vocab words every day.
Top 3 this week
1. Elysian (adj) beautiful or creative, divinely inspired, peaceful, perfect
2. Paragon (n) model of excellence, ideal,
3. Plausive (adj) expressing or manifesting praise or approval
-Get myself to cut the sugar and breve and drink straight up black coffee
Hi Jinna, I read this article this morning in the Spokesman Review and would like to share with you. It starts like this,
"Dear carolyn: I am a young man in college with many things going in my favor, including a pair of above-average parents. However, my father has a way of controlling my work life. He has often advised me to enter a certain job field, and steered me in that direction by showing the path and giving me a firm push(and tuition money). When the inevitable rough patches of school and work come up though, it can really make me second-guess whether I am putting in this effort to please myself or to please him. I have dreams to take my career in somewhat different direction from the one he expects, one that would be more fulfilling to me. When I try to bring up these ideas to him, I am met with a lot of resistance, to the point of his doubting whether I realize the gilded road is before me. This fall I will be entering my last year of school. Is there something to be said of going against a plan. -Pigeonholed
The last thing you need is another voice from the clouds(or ether) saying, “Do this, child.” What you need more than anything is some faith in the authority of your own voice, own desires, own opinions, own competence, own gifts and yes, own mistakes. Because I feel so strongly about this, and because nothing undermines your authority more than guidance from people with ulterior motives. I’ll disclose mine: I believe the true “gilded road” for any emerging adult is the one that suits and supports their individual passions and strengths. So what you’re really asking, it seems, is whether you can, without being an ingrate, choose a path that diverges from the one you recognize as the string attached to those gifts. You know what I think. You know pretty well what your father thinks. What do you think? A more revealing question, perhaps, to ask yourself and potentially your father: Do you think he hoped to raise a strong,independent young man,or a weak,subservient one? And, given that, which is the son he deserves?”
I always want you to be who you are and be the best you can be.
Yeah. He’s the best.
Songs I’ve been Enjoying
Anything by 어반자카파 or Boys II Men
Golden oldies… like Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, Marvin Gaye, The Lovin’ Spoonful, Tony Bennett.. etc. and a lot of jazz instrumental music
-A Wise Man’s Fear (Patrick Rothfuss) - Really good. A bit slow at times but I REALLY enjoy his writing style and how he phrases his ideas. Found the part where he had to train with Vashet to be a little boring… but! the rest was awesome. Book 2 out of 3 in his series. This series is beginning to get mainstream though.. which is a turn off? Still looking forward to book 3 which is rumored to come out in mid 2014.
-Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson: After seeing the movie I have been compelled to read the book. My brother read it in one day while traveling from Florida to Washington, he says he couldn’t put it down. The movie was really well made but not for the faint of heart. I blame Carolyn Keen for my affinity for any book with a strong female protagonist.
-Pleasure of the Text by Roland Barthes: SO GOOD. The brevity of the book made it appear to be a quick read but the density of the text itself had me keeping dictionary.com open to reference unknown words. I found myself nodding along at parts and starring the margins constantly. Still don’t think I comprehended more than half of what I read.
-Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walters: Lyrical, beautifully composed and subtly philosophical. I think the point of the final (title) chapter, which attempts to wrap up all the loose ends, is that, despite the pleasure such storytelling brings, it is impossible to harmonize all of the notes. Milan Kundera says, “nothing is more obvious, more tangible, than the present moment. And yet it eludes as completely. All the sadness of life lies in that fact.”
Next up: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
Ah, the iphone app “Flipboard” has a novels category and has become my new go-to for finding reviews on currently trending books. Definitely recommend.
-Dark Knight Rising was cool. Good company :)
-5 Year Engagement: I really like the chemistry of the couple in this movie.
-21 Jump Street: Not gonna lie, hilarious.
Hope you’re all having a good summer~
"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts" - Marcus Aureliu
Sitting on the rooftop with nothing but a stretch of stars and a proud moon above me. There’s just faint glow of distraction from the city lights below or maybe I’ve just grown accustomed to the overwhelming lights of Seattle. I haven’t been out here in ages… the last time I tried I’m pretty sure I broke the screen on the window… 7th grade was it? After some ninja-like manipulation and maneuvering with laptop in hand, here I am again. I always felt like I could think more clearly up here. Feels so far away from Seattle and the chaos of every day life. I head back to it all in the morning.
-Some art and things
series of paintings I really liked:
-On one sunday morning, my mom looked at me from across the dinner table and told me that, earlier that morning, my grandmother had spent a full 24 hours praying at the church in her small town and when she came home she was so sweaty and exhausted that she couldn’t lift her arms to change from her sweat drenched clothes. My grandpa carefully helped her and then cooked her breakfast. Together they napped until dinner and then she shared with him about her night. Talk about being a prayer warrior. Continuing on, later that night I went to church and the sermon happened to be on prayer, on being able to ASK, not being ashamed to do so no matter what it is that is on your heart. The main passage for that sermon was Luke 11:9-10. I felt convicted as I left the service and about halfway home I glanced down to check my phone and to my surprise on my little ‘daily devotions application’ there sat Luke 11:9-10. Now this app gives me a different verse EVERY DAY and it so happened that on this sunday it coincided perfectly with the sermon and my grandmother’s story about prayer. Sign: Pray More.
-you know what, this explains those dinosaur tracks.
-Reasons why i wish I were more artistic
A father creates these everyday for his kids,
This is AMAZING.. seriously mindblown
This next house…er, castle (?) was supposed to be a gift of George C. Boldt to his wife Louise. But she died two weeks before February 14, her birthday. The estate was sold for one dollar on a condition that whatever earnings generated be used ONLY for restoration. In honor of the love of his life.
-I always want to take epic pictures while leaving/entering cities by plane. So usually I sneak out my cell phone when I think the flight attendant isn’t looking. NEVER looks this good.
-Home has been amazing, some moments that stick out—>
Fishing w/mom and dad: we caught 21. They were tiny mind you, BUT it was the most fun I’ve had in a while.
Walking at night: something my parents used to do starting from when we still lived in Idaho… I really missed the walks at dusk. Now that we’ve been walking again it literally feels like a walk down memory lane. Literally.
Day trip to Omak: Can’t say there was much in Omak but the drive there and back with my dad was great. After speaking with him I always can’t help but feel like I know so little. When he was 18, he ran 25 miles in combat boots and full gear (in the military). Makes me feel like I’m being way too complacent not to mention a total baby about everything.
Zumba/Yoga/Pilates classes: amazing!! I strongly suggest you guys try it out if you have a chance. So good for the mind. In today’s yoga class an average sized man whipped out his yoga mat right next to me… about 30 minutes into class I realized he was THE Master of Yoga. CRAZY things, he was doing!! At one point he had his entire body suspended on his arms. I felt like a complete loser stuggling to hold what felt like 16 billion breaths in ‘downward dog’…
Costco Runs: Every sunday afternoon we hit up the local Costco. I’m a professional at meandering down the overstocked aisles of Costco. Maybe it’s time for my own membership? *gasp* true sign of adult-hood. Too bad I still head straight to the movie section or free samples…
Reconnecting w/friends: Good talks come by much more frequently now because of how infrequently we see each other. If I had a penny for every good conversation I’ve had in the last few weeks, I’d have an extremely happy handful of pennies with me.
Trip to Montana: Some people go to hawaii… or new york… my dad chooses Montana. I quote, “you can always go to Hawaii or Tahiti, when do you ever get to go stay in a hand built cabin in Yaak Montana?”, can’t argue with that. Finally got some time away from technology and w/absolutely nowhere to go but the saloon or general store about 20 miles away, i cracked open a book i’ve been meaning to read. Finished it in one sitting. Amazing what Yaak montana can do. Occupancy of maybe 200 people, chamomile tea and a little lamp, provided the best entertainment and rest I’ve had in a while. No wonder my dad doesn’t like ‘vacationing’.. I must say though, if you guys have ever seen a house built by hand from SCRATCH….respect. I can’t even stay focused with legos.
Pictures that made me look twice:
-One of the most talked about installations at the 12th International Architecture Exhibition in Venice was Cloudscapes. Japanese architect Tetsuo Kondo and a German climate engineering firm Transsolar came together to put a cloud in a large interior space called the Corderie, a 316-meter-long space where ropes for Venetian ships were made. Visitors to the exhibit can walk through the cloud via a circular ramp that ascended 4.3 meters high.
-Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss: Couldn’t put this one down… read it in one sitting. Haven’t done that since Harry Potter 7! It’s fantasy/sci-fi so if you’re not into that then it might not be for you.. and it’s a bit dark but the storytelling is phenomenal. Rothfuss is a masterful raconteur if anything.
-Forbidden by Ted Dekker: currently in the middle of it until I can get my hands on the sequel to the aforementioned book, but it has been a thriller so far. Found it sitting neatly amongst a billion other “new york bestseller’ books at Costco but the whole ‘I am Legend’-esque theme drew me in. Here is a summary in case you’re interested, “Many years have passed since civilization’s brush with apocalypse. The world’s greatest threats have all been silenced. There is no anger, no hatred, no war. There is only perfect peace… and fear. But a terrible secret has been closely guarded for centuries: Every single soul walking the earth, though in appearance totally normal, is actually dead, long ago genetically stripped of true humanity. Fleeing pursuit, with only moments to live, a young man named Rom stumbles into possession of a vial of blood and a piece of cryptic writing. When consumed, the blood will bring him back to life. When decoded, the message will lead him on a perilous journey that will require him to abandon everything he has ever known and awaken humanity to the transforming power of true life and love. But the blood will also resurrect hatred, ambition, and greed.” and it goes on but this is getting kind of lengthy… anyways, i’ll check back in after I finish!
-Some comic relief
New Focus: building Christ-Centered relationships with loved ones
Hold onto those that challenge you, keep you accountable and make you want to be better in all that you do and in all that you are.
I want to live a life lost in His love. Human love is incredible but falls short at times. That doesn’t mean it isn’t great, but how can I ignore this perfect love that is God? Why can’t I seem to understand it? Setting aside time to seek Him out is so tough because it is so hard to hear him over the demands of my daily life. But, I need it. I am starting to realize how intentional I have to be about maintaining and improving a relationship with Him. I’m realizing is I’ve spent so much time trying to figure myself out, I’ve completely forgotten about getting to know Him. There is so much more to know and I would become so much better for it in the process. I’ve been searching for many answers lately. Silence. I always thought God was teaching me how to be patient but now I’m sure he’s showing me what it is to hunger for more.
On a similar note, Talking with a friend we went over the difference between ‘settling’ and being ‘satisficed’ (a combination of ‘satisfied’ and ‘sufficient’-a term from her interpersonal communications class haha)
Settling: (Negative connotation) Something is just enough to make you happy
Satisfice: (Positive Connotation) You are happy Because something/someone is enough.
See the difference? I think I may need to implement voice inflection to communicate this one… Maybe I’ve misunderstood my expectations for ‘Love’. Like many other things right now, I guess it’s time to re-define what I believe.
Recently read a re-post on a friends page about single life for women: This part in particular really spoke to me, (From God)
’Again, don’t concern yourself about the time. I am timeless. Concern yourself instead with remaining in my hands so that I can perfect you to be all that he needs, so that when it’s the right moment, there will be no fear, no hesitation, no question that you are indeed the one that he is meant to live out with rest of his days on the earth with. I want more for you. Love me enough to let me give it to you. Just as you are to be a blessing to him, he is to be provider and protector for you; he is to bless you as well in ways even your prayers have yet to articulate, but in my infinite wisdom, I know you deserve. I love you. Be still and know. Really know. I do. - Your heavenly Father”
-I tried making a sand castle at the beach very recently… it looked nothing like this… but this is NICE!
-I really hate having to take off all jewelry/shoes/belts/coats etc. at airport security lines but whats worse is feeling like you have to move like a ninja once you’re on the other side so the person behind you doesn’t get mad that you’re taking forever.
-A picture of the Selangor River located in Malaysia. Reminds me of Fruit by the Foot.
-Sitting outside on the balcony I was sitting cross-legged, talking with a friend on the phone when I noticed a spider spinning it’s web between 2 rails. I scooted closer and watched carefully. Honestly, the first word that came to mind was beautiful. The movements were so unnatural in my eyes but the little guy knew exactly what he was doing. Every movement was so precise and determined… I’m not sure why, but something close to inspiration sparked inside of me. Today, I’m back to hating spiders and staying away from them at all costs.
-Life is too short to eject my USB device ‘properly’- I always get that notification that I failed to do so.
-My mother sends me a picture of one of my old baby socks, next to a napkin. Caption: “look how small it is!!” the sock was definitely cute but I found it adorable that she chose to scale it with a napkin. I can picture her bustling around searching for something, anything - to compare it to….. and then she settles on?! …..a napkin.
-I have a fondness for pictures of light coming through trees or clouds.
-I heard a quote recently, “Don’t be afraid of the shadows, that just means there is a light nearby” - I won’t lie, this is from a kdrama I’m watching haha~ still good *shrug*
Songs of the week:
Love- Yim Jae Bum [his voice is so soothing, I could listen to this song for hours]
The Bakers Boy- JV Jones (there are two other books to this series and they are so good. The character development is so well done and the plot is very well played out, you definitely feel attached to the characters by the end of the third book. I strongly recommend this series if you have spare time. I would say its the ‘adult’ version of LOTR+ Harry Potter haha)
Bhagavad Gita- Translated by Stephen Mitchell- A book based on Hindu beliefs but the writing is truly beautiful. Its more like a collection of poems and I admit, I had to put my own beliefs to the back of mind to really experience the full effect of the writing but it was very moving. I guess I’ve been curious about other religions lately, tests and re-affirms my own faith :)
Maybe some more Virginia Woolf? She was the one author I remember from high school english courses that I really liked. Most of the time I dislike women writers because the work is more detail-oriented and wordy but Virginia Woolf packs so much weight into simple every day situations but does so in a concise way. In To the Lighthouse I remember she would describe the simplest situations with overwhelming accuracy and articulation. Probably the only book from school that I enjoyed.
Davinci Code- the movie was good and I am a mystery novel aficionado so I suppose this book would be exciting. (I miss the Nancy Drew days)
I wonder if I had bookcases like these, I would spend more time reading
Hopefully these will make you smile
and i stole this off of facebook,
smile more :)
Have a good week
Summer plans are starting to fall into motion~ After finals, I’ll be heading home to spend a few days with my parents and old friends. Then my brother and I are taking off on our ‘Journey’.
First we’ll head to Oregon. Fry’s Electronics and no tax are nice but I’m definitely going to enjoy being with my extended family the most.
Next, we’re going to *drumroll here*
drive down the coastline to SoCal. Everyone should do it once in their life right? I can’t wait to see his world. I can’t wait to make mix-CDs and buy Arizona Ice Teas at gas stations all along the way. Seattle has been so good to me but after hearing about his life in Cali, I can’t wait to attach faces to these people I’ve been hearing about and try the supposedly superior yogurt and dining. There is so much to catch up on, I can’t wait.
He’s one of those people I could sit in silence with for any duration of time and we would understand each other perfectly. Dang, I’ve really missed him.
I’m normally quite fond of transitions but I don’t feel like taking the time right now.
New things I’ve tried as of late:
-Good sushi because yes, there’s a difference. Personally I could eat Seared Salmon for days
-Hip hop dance classes w/the roommates, come ask me and I will demonstrate the choreo (song: Buyou- Keri Hilson) trust me, it’s embarrassing on my part.
-Recycling, finally need to stop playing basketball with crumpled up paper plates and the like
-Vitamin water ZERO, absolutely as subtle/tasteless as vitamin water in its original state of caloric value.. I’m still a huge fan
A little humor
-I wonder if I could get a job naming wall paints or new crayon colors, they’re so fun.
-I love miniature versions of everything. Mini water bottles, mini muffins, mini doughnuts, mini shoes… little bit obsessed.
-I’ve recently been playing a lot of sports and it brings back a sort of high that I only remember from playing competitively in high school.
-I’ve begun putting together a bucket list
-I normally don’t like pancakes but I would definitely eat these
Songs I’ve been particularly fond of this week
Never Gonna Leave this Bed -Maroon 5
In Like a Lion- Relient K
While I’m Waiting - Jon Waller
You and I - Park Bom
How He Loves- Kim Walker
Bugging me Today
-I’m somewhat shocked at how LITTLE I know… I feel like there is so much to know, and I want to know ALL of it.. but I don’t know where to start. (And I definitely don’t want to start with reading assigned from school) I hear seattle has a really nice public library, sometime this summer I’m going to go find it. For now, Reddit helps calm my itch to want to know the random and mostly irrelevant things of our world.
-Definitely need some more QT lately. Runs have been helping.
-This quote has recently been weighing heavily on my heart,
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"
Let’s get away,
Sitting cross-legged on my couch I checked the clock and then went back to wasting time.
Why had I grown so complacent?
Another hour dragged by before I finally got up and changed into shorts and an oversized hoodie
grabbing my ipod i walked downstairs and out the doors
My mind was void of thoughts but the lethargy from the day began to fade as my pace quickened on the pavement
Scrolling through my familiar playlists I pressed ‘back’ in frustration and shuffled my library instead
Putting all of my planning and scheduling to rest, I just ran.
After a while, something in me compelled me to go towards Gasworks Park
As the familiar strain in my shins began to grow, I diverted my attention to the buildings around me,
Potted Plants. Wonder if I’ll ever take enough time to pot.. plants.
I passed a boatyard without a glance and let the air fill the unused seams of my lungs.
When I made it to the park I ended up on top of the hill, overlooking the waterfront and beautiful Seattle skyline
Sun beat down despite the lingering presence of distant dark clouds from the morning rain.
On the water a sailboat race of some sorts, created a picture perfect image
I settled down on the hillside and shut my eyes.
For a while I lost myself in music,
particularly the song, He Is by Mark Schultz (take a listen if you have time)
Opening my eyes I took in my surroundings
To my left a couple sat nestled together with grins from ear to ear. To my right a man with a ponytail sat next to his bicycle with headphones on and a dinner in his hands. Scattered near me were families, couples, friends, pets but the people that stuck out the most were those who were alone.
Were they all there for the same reason I was?
I felt myself grin as I a sailboat with red sails overtook the first place contender
By the time the last of the boats passed by, I had gotten what I needed.
The way back was much easier
My breathing fell into a rhythmic pattern and my feet grew numb to the pavement
Reaching familiar territory I felt myself pushing myself like I used to,
I fell into the bench on the park outside of my apartment and feigned composure as a group of students passed by
Walking back inside,
I glanced down at the time, 3 hours gone
a simple run but something I guess I needed more than I thought
Definitely for more than one reason
I could watch this all day. Maybe it’s the music or how unnatural it feels to be looking in at something we shouldn’t be able to see… either way, there’s a haunting beauty about it
Time is blurring together right now.
I miss playing with those huge rainbow parachutes in P.E.
I miss cops and robbers with neighborhood friends.
I miss falling asleep listening to the muted sound of my parents and the 11 o clock news, downstairs.
I miss putting cards in my bicycle tires to make it sound like a motorcycle
I miss squirming around anxiously telling my mom she wasn’t braiding my hair straight down the middle like I wanted her to
I miss watching classic Disney and first generation pokemon episodes after school… only to find myself scowling when my brother would switch over to Yu-Gi-Oh.
I miss falling off monkey bars
the fruit trees enclosing our yard,
and shoving quarters into those stale gum-ball machines at Old Country Buffet
Despite everything I miss, what I miss the most is taking life in stride.
I’ve come to the point where I feel like I’m gone from a moment and thinking about ‘what’s next’, before I even get there. I feel like I’ve been living in ‘fast forward’. It’s a random Saturday night in the middle of April and I feel like I’ve finally pressed ‘pause’
I really need to slow down.
The sun shone like nobody’s business today and I’m pretty sure everyone in Seattle felt it. It was nice. With a clear agenda and some good company, I settled down in front of Suzzalo library to study for a midterm in the remaining sun. As my mind wandered I looked over the top of my textbook and watched a family, 2 parents and 3 young boys, play and take photos in Red Square. One boy took a fall on his roller skates and the younger followed suit by throwing himself off of his scooter to be next to his brother. I felt like I was watching a scene from my own childhood. I would definitely have been the one to throw myself off of the scooter. It was strangely surreal but made my entire day. It was one of those moments you wish you could preserve. Kodak just doesn’t cut it.
Imagine a beautiful vase sitting atop a mantle,
When it falls,
people say you can always put together the pieces again
sure you can
use super glue, crazy clue, or maybe even elmers glue if you’re brave;
but no matter how much glue you use or how precisely you apply it
There will always be the cracks, showing the lines of your decisions
Dad: “It’s my job as your father to try to prevent the cracks from happening in the first place. I Love You.”
My dad, the best father, husband, son, brother and friend I have ever seen in my life. Words can’t begin to describe how much respect and love I have for him. Most dads get mad at their kids but just the thought of my dad being upset with me makes me want to do better, live better and be a better individual. Thank you Lord, for blessing me with such an inspirational role model.
Just recently, I attended JAMA in tacoma.. and it was incredibly convicting. We hear it all the time, “God loves everyone, God loves you” but as the word ‘love’ begins to lose its weight in our daily lives, we unfairly refuse to give God enough credit for the meaning of ‘His Love’ for us. In any human sense, It’s probably completely impossible to understand that love but why are we so complacent? Why are so many of us satisfied with just going through the motions? saying the right words and going to all the events? and then just enjoying the thought of His Love?
Sometimes I feel frustrated. Christians can be so frustrating.
Fake? Pretending to be perfect? Hiding things to save face in front of judgement?
No, I never rebelled in high school or middle school, I believe the worst thing I did was to drive a car around my school’s parking lot at the age of 14. However, coming to college I have been a little bit overwhelmed. I noticed myself growing complacent in my walk with God, going through all of the right motions and becoming exactly That Christian that I knew I didn’t want to be.
In the book “Crazy Love”, Francis Chan speaks about the “Lukewarm Christian”- briefly stated, they do whatever is necessary to keep them from feeling too guilty. It’s a “How far can I go before this is a sin?” rather than “How can I keep myself pure as a temple of the Holy Spirit?”. They are continually playing it safe, they have limitations on how they will serve God, they don’t really want to be ‘saved from sin’ they merely want to be ‘saved from penalty’, they rarely outreach to others, they don’t HAVE to live by faith, God is only a ‘part of their lives’, etc. ~ Reading this book, this chapter in particular really spoke to me. Pretty much, I see myself becoming a lukewarm christian. And that is not okay. It is not fair to a God that gave EVERYTHING for us. Around the end of this chapter i just started flat out crying. I just felt ashamed.
As a Christian, I am claiming to represent God, to live in his image and to do anything but is disrespecting His name.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s not about never doing anything wrong or trying things out, maybe learning the hard way. We all make mistakes. But It’s about taking all of it in and striving to glorify Him, not yourself. We need to stop living selfish lives. In the book, Chan describes, “There is a difference between a life that is characterized by these sorts of mentalities and habits and a life that is in the process of being radically transformed”.
Sure, we’re young, restless and “standards have changed”.
But I can’t let myself lose who I know I want to be.
"It’s not about changing so that God will love you, it’s about Wanting to change BECAUSE He Loves you, and His Love is so GREAT"
We tend to only love people that give us love in return. But that is so narrow-minded. I’m so thankful that God knows how to humble my heart, because this world is making it harder and harder to see straight. Time for a change. God, You Deserve More.
Everyone wants to fly.
So which method would you choose?
A dragon? A Magic carpet? Wings? Would you become a bird?
Personally, I wouldn’t want a dragon because it’s too hard to hide in Seattle. I wouldn’t want to become a bird because I would think the wind would be terribly overwhelming. I wouldn’t want wings because I would have to fly alone or carry somebody with me.
Now a magic carpet sounds nice. I could easily share the experience with somebody I love. It would be a great place to go on a starry summer night to have a good conversation or to stargaze. That, or alone time with space to stretch out and read a good book in peace.
Credit: Conversation w/T.H.